My younger sister and mother both live with a long-term illness. I’m not ashamed to say that sometimes I benefit from them having to get dozens of prescriptions per year for a wide variety of painkillers, tranquilizers, sleeping pills, and other lesser opiates.

When I stayed at my mother’s house for a couple of days during the holidays, for instance, Ambien pills were plentiful. I’d say, “Mom, I’m going to bed,” and she’d say, “need an Ambien? The pills are on my dresser.” My younger sister has Lupus. From the hundreds of prescription pills she has been given by doctors there are some that her stomach cannot tolerate, one of those being Tylenol 3 (with codeine). She has a small plastic bag filled with pill bottles because she has bad side effects or she had to fill the prescription before the expiration date.
Last weekend, my sister moved to a new apartment. In the process of moving and getting her settled, she asked me if I wanted any pills.

“Really?” I asked, “Whatcha got?”

“They’re sorta like Valium. It’ll help you sleep.”

“Are they Ambiens?”

“No, they’re like Valium.”

“What are they called?”

“I can’t remember.”

My sister retrieved the bottle and gave it to me. It was Elavin. I never heard of it, so I googled it. It was an antidepressant but sometimes used as a sleep aid. I figured, good enough, and my sister gave me fifty pills in a small baggie. Yeah, it’s hardcore like that. She told me to take the pill before bedtime, so I decided to take one pill a couple of hours before bedtime.

After writing a few pages of a dissertation chapter and grading a stack of papers, I decided to take a pill and get ready to sleep. I took one pill, 10 mg, around 8:00 p.m. I didn’t notice any drowsiness in the next two hours at all, but I did fall asleep before midnight. When I got up on Monday morning, I still felt drowsy. I wasn’t teaching that day and I had a spinning and kickboxing at noon. I had my usual coffee but by 11:00 a.m. I still felt fatigued and found it difficult to even lift my arms. Being a stubborn idiot, I decided that I would not be deprived of my two hour workout.

I schlepped quietly into my spinning class ten minutes late. I took the cycle in the back, saddled up and tried to give it my best shot. For the most part I was able to do a few segments of sprints and jumps, but I had to fake it over half the time. After spinning, my limbs felt absolutely useless. I would manage to have a brief burst of energy like a dying spark plug but I would give out just as quickly. I went into my kickboxing class with good intentions and obviously even more delusions, but after 20 minutes I knew it was no use. I was able to jump, kick, and punch, but I felt so tired. I left class and went home where I became a zombie for the next 18 hours.

In bed by my bedroom window, a cool summer breeze caressed my face, and at this point my face was the only part of my body that did not feel like it atrophied. My bones, sinews, and even my heartbeat were spongy moss. It was so difficult to leave my bed; I would have been better off wearing a Depends diaper. As night approached there was a vague thought in the back of mind that I had to teach in the morning, but it bounced away and I fell asleep.

I had the worst headache in the morning with slight nausea. I took a couple of aspirin, sucked it up, and got my ass to work in good time to prep for class. I did a fairly decent job of managing to be competent for two hours and then I got back home and got into bed. I didn’t bother to go to the gym that day. Instead I just slept some more. Keep in mind this is 10 mg of Elavil. The late evening I think the last of the pill ebbed away, and I was actually eating food. I decided to call my sister.

“Hey sis,”

“Hey.”

“That Elavil put me in a fucking coma.”

“You take the pill in the afternoon before bedtime, so you can sleep.”

“The pill would put a gorilla to sleep for a week.”

“Maybe you should just cut it in half.”

If I plan on taking this pill again, clearly I have to make sure I clear my schedule for a week and keep a bed pan close by. The dreamy, fatigue state is nice, but only if you have nothing to do and nowhere to go at all for several days. I’m penciling in my next pill at mid July.